I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am naked and annoyed.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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