she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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