I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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