you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
