He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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