Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
