I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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