Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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