I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
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he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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