I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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