I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
