I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
