OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
