Quick, to the slutcave!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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