Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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