I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
