you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
