Pants 0. Shit 1.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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