You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
