I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't turn off my feet"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
