So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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