a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize