I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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