he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
