it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
