you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
