Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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