The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
