You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
