Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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