mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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