my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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