gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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