A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
