dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
