He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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