I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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