I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Randomize
