i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
