onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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