She announced her abortion via fbk
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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