all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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