"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
