I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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