how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
