I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
