Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
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