So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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