Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
