If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
