you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
