he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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