she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
