Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
