i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
