maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
