I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
