my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
