'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
