Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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