Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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