My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
