Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
